When Winning Feels Like Losing

I spent the entirety of today on the couch in my living room. Part of the day was spent sending important e-mails. But the majority of my time was used by watching Netflix and napping.

Which for me, feels like I wasted a day. I could have gone outside, gone on a walk, ran errands, and etc. But I just didn’t. My body needed this day. My eating disorder treatment is thrilled that I took this day to rest. They told me that it was a recovery “win”. To not only have listened to my body but also to have given it what it asked for. Something I never do when it gets in the way of my life.

Or at the very least when it feels like I could be doing more, should be doing more.

It feels like that moment in tug-of-war. Where even though you win, you’re covered in dirt. You have scrapes. You end up having to pick yourself up from the ground.

It’s a win that feels like a loss.

That is how today feels. That is how it feels for me to slow down. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

It feels like I’m being thrown through the air into the dirt and have to prepare myself to be proud and excited as I stand. Because those that held the rope with me are up and ready to celebrate.

So, here I go.

Standing up. Wiping off the dirt. Grabbing the rope. Ready for game two.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store