Showering is seen a basic tenet of self-care, of hygiene, of being part of society.
So, what happens when that very thing causes your head to spin and your anxiety to spike?
It sounds crazy. But it is a real part of my every day life. I spend a large amount of time feeling “out-of-place” in my body. Wishing that it wasn’t mine or at the very least looked different. The idea of having spend time with myself, naked of all things, is incredibly nerve-wracking for me.
Showering is not a time of contemplation nor of feeling like I’m doing right by myself. It is a time of extreme self-loathing and body-checking.
There are so many things I would rather do than put myself through that torture on a daily basis.
Which leads me to- showering in the dark. For the better part of two years, I showered with the lights off. This way, I couldn’t see my body as clearly and the thoughts would be slower.
Now, I don’t shower with the lights off. But I also spend as little time as possible in the shower and am careful not too spend too much time in the mirror before or after.
Body image is a journey. Showering, for me, is a journey. And showering in the dark was an important part of both journeys.