Willingness is defined as: the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness.
It is quite often the hardest thing to hold onto during eating disorder recovery. You’re ready and willing and then you have a bad body image day. Feelings come up that you weren’t prepared for. A dietician changes your meal plan. It could be anything that throws you off.
All of a sudden, the only thing you feel is the intense need to satisfy the voice in your head. A need to prove that you are healthier than they say you are. You are fine.
Everything is fine.
That is what happened to me anyway.
I spent this week really truly trying my best to follow the suggestions of my treatment team. Until it came to running the 5k section of the Jerusalem Marathon.
To quote my dietician: the most imminent threat to my recovery.
All of a sudden, I had something to prove. I could run this race. And my body could handle it. Nothing bad would happen. They would see.
In the end, the only one who ended up seeing they were wrong…was me.
I finished the run. I made a better time than I thought I would. I got my medal. I felt so accomplished. But my body? My body feels like it got hit by several trains. Standing takes effort. Not fainting, takes effort. Everything takes effort.
I am not healthy.
I am so willing. I will do whatever my team says.
I was wrong.
I ran into willingness today. And I am NOT letting it go.